Last week, I woke up overwhelmed with a feeling of loneliness. Lonely in my relationship with myself, with the people around me, and especially with my relationship with God.
You ever feel like you have all these people around you but you have these moments where you don’t feel present or you’re just watching everyone live their life? That’s how I felt, and it’s not something I feel on a regular basis – I just find myself sometimes trying to get through the bad days.
The past few months, I’ve experienced two sudden deaths – one of my aunt and another, my best friend. I guess I could say given how sudden they were, I’m still unpacking those feelings. I find myself either crying a lot, being angry, frustrated, but most of all confused – in not understanding God’s plan and the intention behind not people dying in itself, but the way they die.
The more I questioned God, the further I felt away from him – you could say it’s losing my faith. And I think that part was an added stressor because without faith, what do you really have as support and comfort through trying times? I guess that’s why God tests your faith.
In addition, added financial and mental stressors while transitioning into adulthood … pause …
can we take a moment to acknowledge how hard it is to be an adult? Especially when you still feel somewhat young but have all these adult responsibilities and expectations.
And with all that, we still can’t afford to go to therapy because the one place we’re supposed to go when we feel depressed and overwhelmed cost $150+ every week/session, and of course the crappy company benefits that don’t support that need doesn’t make it any easier… so inevitably we end up suppressing our feelings with alcohol and drugs, etc. etc.
With all of these issues on my mind and the state of the world, I’ve been questioning God’s plan … mainly if his plan has our best interest at heart or whether there is a plan at all. Whether, the plan he has is for his children to die prematurely and in the worse way possible.
The first time I questioned God was when my mom told me about her friend who was in a car accident on the highway – caused by a drunk driver – I remember her telling me her friend stumbled out of the car and the car blew up with her husband and two kids – instantly dead.
I couldn’t relate to that, but I felt it – I imagined that pain and STILL, I’m sure it couldn’t have come close to what this woman was feeling. I felt for her and I questioned God’s motive. I would ask God why he would cause so much pain in this woman’s life; she has nothing now. No true justification was given no matter how much I searched (frustrating as hell) so I can’t help you put this into perspective.
Second time was recently, with the sudden passing of my best friend. Car accident as well, literally two hours after I celebrated her birthday with her. That call I got from her mother around 5am to come see her body at the hospital was literally an experience I can’t put into words.
Death is one of those things that you don’t always feel on a daily basis, you go through it in waves – and these waves are getting closer and closer. One moment you’re somewhat dealing, and the next it’s a total mindfuck and you’re back to square one.
It’s a weird place to be in because the nights I couldn’t sleep out of fear, gospel music and praying brought me comfort – even while angry at God and questioned him for taking someone so close to me. For someone who had so many plans and ambitions, I couldn’t understand how her mission on this earth was completed.
I was inspired by her parents continued strength and total faith in God and wondered how I could sit here and question it.
With all of these feelings, I realized that I would never truly get the answers I was seeking – at least the way I wanted. But through reflection, I realized it’s all a process of shedding and rebuilding (and I suppose that’s getting through trying times and finding the strength in the midst of it all).
It’s all a process, but a process that no one really explains how to navigate. People always show the glory after the suffering, and this superficial narrative/idea of themselves and their lives…but it’s never like that. No one teaches you how to have faith during the darkest moments of your life.
I’ve had many conversations with the people closest to me and with myself, and I learned it’s accepting that God has a bigger plan for all of us. And as far as my best friend, she taught me so much about myself, challenged me, and taught me about friendships/relationships – maybe in that sense she completed her mission in my life.
I don’t have the answers, I still have many questions – but I guess with God, I have to release control and believe that he has a plan for me and she’s at peace. I haven’t figured much out, but I have the desire to work on my faith – especially during this time when I need it the most.
I try to remember that God see’s things that I don’t, he understands the reason behind things/actions that I don’t. I am only human and there is so much that I can’t fathom. So, I’m working on putting my trust back in him, releasing control, and letting him be the driver of my life.